Shanghaied in the shanghai tunnels or My night in The Portland Underground.
First go to their site and read and read and read...build up your hopes of one hell of an adventure touring the "underground" through a maze of "spooky" interconnected tunnels throughout the underground of Portland's inner city.
Then read on and save yourself 12 dollars a head, the shock of the fact that the shanghaiing is still going on and that it is happening to you. Plus the embarrassment of having to face people when you come out of the service entrance door on the sidewalk.
The truth of the matter is this...
You basically go into the basement of a bar in the China district by descending the "Creepy Sidewalk Service Orifice". Meandering down the dirt covered floor you are introduced to the Opium Smokers Bunk house,,,this is almost plausible, turn left and enter the basement of the building to the left. Here you are introduced to an area which housed the shanghaied people...they where kept drugged and shoeless whilst holed up here. Drugged to keep them quiet and shoeless to keep them from running across glass covered floors...
From there you pass a box with a chair in it which is about 18 inches square, this was to hold women for God knows what. Leaving this disturbing thought you follow the "Spooky Sprinkler Main Feed Pipe" into the basement of a karaoke bar. Bewildered you are suddenly surrounded by ...CHAIRS...The tail of the haunted baby carriage is sadistically delivered and I wondered if this was the stunt double carriage in Damien or did it do its own stunts??? Leaving the "Room o Chairs" you walk ahead into the next dark room furthering the night of terror...Drunks are bellowing like gut shot elk and you realize you must have stumbled into hell. There is a trap door that looks like something out of Wild Wild West. This too is almost plausible.
Staggering straight ahead you enter the last room of this gauntlet of ignorance and blessedly the turnaround point. There you meet "the Mysterious Wooden Indian" who, legend has it was mistaken for a human! This thing is 7 feet tall and to be mistaken for a person proves that Opiates were abundant. While staring in disbelief at what has been handed you, you suddenly notice a seductive chant thrumming itself into your head. Wanting to believe that the "Spirit of the Wooden Indian" is trying to communicate, you focus on the undulating tones...suddenly you realize that it is not a long forgotten chant but is the song " Its raining Men " drifting down from the drag queen bar just overhead.
Then...then........then you leave. All the time during the tour you are accosted with the sounds of scary fountain drink dispenser pumps shielded behind thin black curtains, solid and liquid waste leaving the buildings to the main sewer line and the mournful wailing drunken harmony above you...no wait its behind you....GOD! Floor Plan will be posted as soon as I can figure it out...
Lets see... 2 or 3 tours a night...that's 12 dollars a head....15 to 20 people per "tour"....that comes to $420.00 - $720.00 a night... I felt dirty...not just because I inhaled dust from this ménage trio of dirt floor basements, but because I had just been shanghaied...
Save your money...and two long hours of your life. You walk maybe 250-300 feet total, and would definitely do better with your money by just staying in the bar upstairs, getting drunk and watching the people pour into and out of the hole in the sidewalk. Most of them, upon exiting the hole, have the look on their face like they have just found out they were adopted !!!
You have been warned!
As an afterthought I feel that I should have altered my consciousness a bit to make this the adventure I had conjured up in my mind. ( This is NOT an endorsement to do ANYTHING illegal, Please)
